Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Fairy Tale Part 4

August 6, 2012

Start from Beginning

Part 3

They stopped off for lunch at a roadside mall. They’d passed scores of them since their journey began, hours earlier. Each mall was identical, featuring a McDonald’s, Subway, Popeye’s, with a sprinkle of Taco Bell. The crowd wasn’t too large, so they sat down and enjoyed their sandwiches. A TV nearby was set to a news channel. They watched a report of how Check had been bombed by Tiddly in response to a terrorist attack perpetrated by the insomniac militias of Iwalk and Isleep. The Check monarchy (known as the First Mate, or Mate for short) was calling for UZI (United Zones International) condemnation and sanctions against Tiddly. Tiddly’s Prime Minister, with one eye perpetually closed, decried the violence and pledged an investigation into how someone could steal their army uniforms and missiles. He denied all allegations and demanded an apology from Check’s Mate.

They spent the first half hour following lunch on an intercity highway. It passed the same as the previous hours, but then they reached the exit for Unsome.

“Remember to buckle your seat belt” said Flu as they entered the exit lane.

“Thanks. I have it on” said Obi as they decelerated to 15 miles per hour, exactly as the sign instructed.

“Do you think all those stories of Unsome are true?”

“That they are sticklers for rules and will arrest anyone, including the King’s best friend, for minor offenses?”

“Yes. I heard that also. Do you think it’s true?”

“I doubt it. I’m sure the famous poem is only propaganda.”

“It’s a poem?”

“Yes, we learned it in social studies class. I’ll tell it to you.”

Obi recited the famous poem of Unsome as they pulled off the highway and road the exit into Unsome.

Unsome:

I was sitting in the mud,
Waiting for that moment to come,
When I could join my friends,
In the land of Unsome.

I was exiled many years ago,
And now the years drag by so slow.
I was caught and tried,
For by the rules, I did not abide.
Life, the sentence would stand,
Yes, I would be totally banned,
From the land of Unsome.

From official to official I begged,
Please make the punishment end,
The answer was “nay”, I would have to stay,
With no hope for me to return,
To the land of Unsome.

Money was given as a bribe,
To erase my terrible crime,
But to no avail, my home was my jail,
And no way for me to return,
To the land of Unsome.

One day my friend became King!
My heart began to sing.
Now I’d return, to the land that I yearn,
The land of Unsome.

My friend said, “Sorry, no dice.
I just cannot be nice.
Your crime is a shame,
but I just can’t take the blame,
If we start having JAYWALKERS
In the land of Unsome!”

“Amazing” said Flu.

And then they both fell silent when they saw there was a roadblock and a soldier was approaching their vehicle.

Part 5

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An ant story (from early 2002)

April 6, 2012

Here is a story I wrote one night when I was studying in Israel.
One night I couldn’t sleep, so I went from the dorm room to the courtyard. I found swarm of large ants carrying a gigantic Israeli roach to its final resting place. As I watched, this story ended up on my paper.

I copied it how it’s written (aside for some minor spelling corrections) even though some of the puns are cringe-worthy. I’m also maintaining the original paragraph structure.

There was an ant named Richard.
But his friends would call him Adam
Because he was lazy as man.
Every morning his parents would wake him up.
“But the sun isn’t even up”, he’d complain.
“By the time you finish breakfast it will be light out.
“Besides, the early bird gets the worm and the early ant gets the bird.”
The problem with ants is they don’t have seats.
From the time they awake till the time they go to sleep
They are forced to stand on all 6 of their feet.
Richard enjoyed sleep. Sleeping on his back, with his head on a soft pillow. He couldn’t want till evening, so he could eat a quick supper and go to sleep.
One day Adam was going collecting, he was trying to find food
When he came across a TV that a mouse had thrown out.
It had a remote control, so he could watch without getting up.
Thrown out with the set was a perfectly good bag of stale caramel popcorn, so Adam didn’t starve. On the contrary, he grew quite fat.
(The other problem with ants is when they get fat, they aren’t horizontally challenged, but vertically challenged; and that made it sound like Adam was short, which isn’t true.)
When he shoved off for his hole (shlepping his popcorn behind him), he discovered he was too girthy to fit down the ant hole.
“Help me! Make the hole bigger, please!” Adam requested.
“If you want something done, do it yourself”, said Smithers, the ant guard.
Instead, Adam dragged his bag of popcorn a few feet away and cried.
Suddenly, an anteater came along and ate the whole ant colony.
He couldn’t smell Richard, because he smelled like caramel popcorn.
Richard cried for a few minutes. (That’s another problem with ants. They don’t have tear ducts, so when they cry, all they do is blink a lot. Although most ants are too busy to realize they are sad, and by the time they go to sleep at night they have forgotten why they were sad (Ants don’t have the greatest memories, which explains why they keep trying to go on my picnic blanket even though I chased them off about 3,713 times.) which is why ants seldom cry.)
When he finished crying he dragged his bag back by the TV and began watching again.
Adam watched TV for 2 straight months! (When his popcorn was finished, he discovered an old hot dog nearby, so he was never want of food.)
One afternoon when he was asleep (during the afternoon news), a pesky rabbit jumped by, pulling the plug and bringing the TV down with a crash. Adam woke up with a start. Realizing his loss, he began to cry again. The rabbit said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see the plug. Maybe if you play with the chip it’ll work.”
“Are you crazy?” Adam lashed out “It’s broken. But chips, now that sounds good.”
Now the TV had broken and the pieces lay all over the floor. Adam sniffed around, found a chip, and ate it. “Eww. This is horrible. It tastes like a chip off an old block. Oh well, at least it’s worth two in the bush.”
Suddenly, Adam felt queasy, he felt statically, but then he was picking up the channels normally. And, whenever he couldn’t get a good reception, he’d just adjust his antenni until he got a clear picture.
He died 3 years later, when he refused to pay his electric bill and they cut off his service, leaving him a shell of his former self.

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Soda Can

May 9, 2011

This a poem I wrote in November 2001. I was sitting in a Beis Medrash (study hall), learning with my chavrusa (study partner) and he left to take a break for a few minutes.
I noticed a soda can sitting on the table in front of me. Later that evening I was scheduled to go on my first date. I had heard that women liked poetry, so I wrote the following poem with the intention of impressing her. She was not so impressed, so this is the only “dating” poetry I’ve written.

Soda Can
The can sits on the table
And holds it down
And if the can would wobble
Fall to the ground
The table might start rising
And bump the lights
There is no way of knowing
Which one is right
Because even if you remove
The can from above
It still would not be proof
The can gave a shove
If you see a can on top
Resting, at ease
Don’t blow it or make it drop
Just let it be

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Sage advice from Tom Lehrer

March 16, 2011

Some sage advice from Tom Lehrer:

I know some people feel that marriage as an institution is dying out, but I disagree and the point was driven home to me rather forcefully not long ago by a letter I received which said: “Darling, I love you and I cannot live without you. Marry me, or I will kill myself.” Well, I was a little disturbed at that until I took another look at the envelope and saw that it was addressed to occupant. Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days in books,and plays,and movies on, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love. Husbands and wives who can’t communicate; children who can’t communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books, and plays, and so on, and in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can’t communicate. I feel that if a person can’t communicate the very least he can do is to shut up. – Tom Lehrer (That Was the Year That Was)

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Federal Politician Tax

February 2, 2011

There’s been a lot of talk over the past 24 months about the economy and the ability for the credit rating of federal, state, and local governments to stay strong.
Usually these conversations focus on cutting spending and increasing governmental funds.
The governments are always looking for ways to increase revenue. They increase license fees, taxes, penalties for simple mistakes, penalties for not complying with their ideas of health, etc.

When politicians announce their new tax ideas (let’s be honest and call it what it is, a tax), they usually try to paint the victims as greedy/wrong and they extol the virtues of having the extra funds.

In general I don’t favor increasing taxes. I think the average person struggles to get by day-to-day and should have fewer taxes.

However, I do acknowledge that there are governmental services that need funding. (I can argue that there is too much spending, but politicians would never cut spending intelligently.)

So, how do you keep spending at its current levels without increasing taxes on the citizenry or running up a deficit?

The common answer to this question is to isolate a small segment of the population (so they can’t defend themselves), demonize them, and apply a levy. Examples of this are “rich” folk who are greedy, “smokers” who are sick and dirty, “soda drinkers” who are sick and gluttons, “bridge-crossing drivers” who ruin the environment and didn’t really need to cross the bridge, “drivers with a visible cell phone” who cause accidents, etc.

A while back I was watching a news show and they showed how the personal finances of federal congress representatives increase tremendously once they start serving.

As much as people lament that all the personal investigations into politician’s past and characters will lead to fewer candidates for public office, this has not proven itself to be true. It’s clear that there will always be people who will aspire to public office so they can gain power they lack and control others.

Therefore, it seems like the solution is simple. Add a new, large (non-deductible) tax for all federal politicians. This includes all members of both houses of Congress and all members of the Executive branch. I would not levy this tax on Supreme Court members unless there was accurate data showing that their personal finances also increase far beyond their federal salary.
This tax would begin from the day they are sworn in and end when they could prove that they are not earning far beyond their federal salary/pension.

The advantage of this plan is average Americans wouldn’t be harmed by politician’s frivolous spending. Federal, State, and Local governments would have a large funding stream that allow essential programs to continue without worries. And, it would allow politicians to finally contribute towards society.

Of course, one major problem with this plan is the necessity to have Congress vote for it and the President sign it. That is highly unlikely.

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It’s Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas

January 19, 2011

Most of the Western World celebrated Christmas on December 25th.
Many are familiar with the Greek Orthodox celebration of Christmas on January 14th.
But what you might not be familiar with is the Greek Ultra Orthodox Celebration of Christmas on January 20th. Even rarer is knowledge of the Greek Super Ultra Orthodox Prime celebration of Christmas on July 17th.

Merry Greek Ultra Orthodox Celebration of Christmas to you and to all a good night.

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Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work

June 16, 2010

*** WARNING: THE FOLLOWING REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS ***
I went to see “Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work” last night. It is a documentary of a year in the life of Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers is a human, female, Jewish, comedienne. You can read her bio here.

This documentary starts as Joan is preparing her play about her life story for Scotland and English theater. She hopes it’ll be successful there, so she can bring it back to America (read: NY and LA). She expresses concern that American critics will view her play as an unflattering caricature.
Unfortunately, while the play is received well by the audience, critics are harsh.

Joan tells us that she sees herself as an actress and the failure of her play proves that she will never be viewed as such.
However, from the clips of her play that are shown in the movie, it appears she’s doing stand-up comedy about her life. If that’s what her play consisted of, her conclusion is unfair to herself. Perhaps if she took on a dramatic role, she could make the audience forget that she’s funny and instead take her seriously as an actress.

The film shows Joan as a funny, caring, woman, comedienne, mother, friend, and business woman.

I give it a 6 out of 10. It’s a funny documentary. If you like stand up comedy or documentaries, you should give this film a try.

Birthday Bash 2010

May 13, 2010

Brooklyn, NY – It was May 8, 2010. They gathered in a restaurant just a couple of hours after the piercing evening wind defeated the sunny Saturday afternoon. The crowd was overflowing and the cheers were thunderous. The coronation was eagerly anticipated. As the leader from Kings County approached the podium, a hush fell over the crowd and scores of cell phones and cameras were whipped out to record the historic event for perpetuity.
The humble leader removed his royal crown and sat upon the throne. Those assembled waited for the royal gesture, then took their seats as well. A beautiful waiter took the king’s order. She took careful note for the cook to prepare the king’s hamburger until it was well done. (Why eat something that is only poorly done?)
The mixed multitude placed their orders when they were asked. When the last demand was made, they sat back and conversed easily with one another. The atmosphere was so relaxed that they were able to speak as if he were just a friend.
Eventually the waiter returned. She was laden with delicacies from around the world. She presented the king’s burger, encased in lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, fried potatoes, and a soft bun. The crowd roared with delight as the king took his first bite and smiled his approval.
The rejoicing and celebration went deep into the night.
Until this very day, there are still some who speaking with hushed, reverential tones about the wonders and splendors of that night.

Thanks to all who came and helped make it a wonderful night!