Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Fairy Tale Part 7

April 8, 2013

Start from Beginning

Part 6

“Look out for that deer!” cried Obi.

Flu, startled for a moment, yanked the steering wheel, causing the car to swerve. Fortunately, none of the cameras or cops caught it. Flu relaxed with the realization that it was just the after-effects of the sleeping pill.

“Welcome back” she said.

Obi stared silently out the window, his drug-induced drool sliding slowly down his chin. He nodded slowly and finally croaked, “So, just a few more miles to go?”

He changed the radio channel, replacing the soft, meditative radio static with the shouts of a used car salesperson. It was hard to tell the gender because the advertiser’s voice was booming and sped up.

“These cars are insane! I don’t mean the prices, I mean the cars! Last week I committed three of them for schizophrenia!
“Don’t walk or run to get these cars! Drive!
“If you can’t drive here, we’ll pick you up!” (This sentence was at least double the speed of the previous sentences.)
“President Ford demands that you drive a car! Governor Toyota and LeBaron Chrysler agree! So be patriotic and say buy, buy, buy to your bikes!”

For a moment Flu regretted not hooking an IV into Obi’s wrist while he was passed out, but then Obi pointed out the almost invisible exit they needed and she was thankful for his company.

Part 8

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Fairy Tale Part 6

April 8, 2013

Start from Beginning

Part 5

“It’s unbelievable how unreal Unsome is!” exclaimed Obi.
For the past two days he’d been prattling on about Unsome. Flu was, frankly, getting tired of it. She tried Kit Kats, Rolos, Milk Munch, and even Rice Crispy Treats, but none of it worked.
Obi was obsessed and she couldn’t stop him. Finally, she slipped him a sleeping pill and he slipped off to sleep.

She drove. In the distance were fields of purple and white. Gold lined the highway. Trees grew in orderly sequential designated areas on the sides of the road.

Unsomes liked order and discipline.

A day earlier the duo stopped off for a movie. The server provided them with popcorn in a square container. Not one kernel fell out. A machine precise filled the soda to a line marked on the paper cup. The movie was heavily edited to fit exactly 100 minutes and to remove any scene that depicted a chaos or someone making a mess.

Flu chortled to herself as she drove. “Snicker-snack” said the windshield wipers. A fine mist kept Unsome moist. Every time she managed to clear her mind, the words of her grandmother came galumphing back.

Every instinct told her to step on the gas and get out of Dodge, but the speed limit said “32 MPH” and she wasn’t going to risk going faster or slower!

Part 7

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Fairy Tale Part 5

April 8, 2013

Start from Beginning

Part 4

The soldier looked focused. He fit the stereotype whispered in all the children stories of yore.
(“Unsome soldiers are chosen based on their ability to focus on the silliest of fine-print rules.”
“Yes! I heard they feed them spaghetti and Adderall, so they’ll focus better.”
“My mother said that if they blink, they are automatically disqualified.”
“My grandfather once saw a staring contest between an Unsome soldier and a goldfish. The fish lost!”)
On and on went the stories. Who knew if any of them were true, but at this moment, as they watched the soldier get closer and closer to their car, they felt that each could be true.

“License, registration, retina scan, insurance card, and DNA sample”, said the soldier.

He watched them as Obi and Flu poked and prodded for their papers. He didn’t look away as he handed them to a second officer. Obi and Flu smiled nervously at the officers.
The second soldier didn’t look up. He pulled out a magnifying glass and studied their documents carefully.

After a few moments, he pulled out his radio and spoke into it.

A third soldier appeared. She took pictures of their vehicle from every angle.

Four soldier drove over in a Humvee, sirens wailing. They jumped out, semi-machine guns raised. Obi and Flu felt their stomachs plummet.

The first soldiers listened as the second soldier whispered something, then raised his arm. All the soldiers stopped in place.

“Your retina scan is almost expired. You should update them immediately. We will let you go this time.”

He handed a book of rules and regulations to Obi. Flu sighed in relief. They passed the first checkpoint. Only 3 more of these until they pass into Unsome.

Part 6

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Fairy Tale Part 4

August 6, 2012

Start from Beginning

Part 3

They stopped off for lunch at a roadside mall. They’d passed scores of them since their journey began, hours earlier. Each mall was identical, featuring a McDonald’s, Subway, Popeye’s, with a sprinkle of Taco Bell. The crowd wasn’t too large, so they sat down and enjoyed their sandwiches. A TV nearby was set to a news channel. They watched a report of how Check had been bombed by Tiddly in response to a terrorist attack perpetrated by the insomniac militias of Iwalk and Isleep. The Check monarchy (known as the First Mate, or Mate for short) was calling for UZI (United Zones International) condemnation and sanctions against Tiddly. Tiddly’s Prime Minister, with one eye perpetually closed, decried the violence and pledged an investigation into how someone could steal their army uniforms and missiles. He denied all allegations and demanded an apology from Check’s Mate.

They spent the first half hour following lunch on an intercity highway. It passed the same as the previous hours, but then they reached the exit for Unsome.

“Remember to buckle your seat belt” said Flu as they entered the exit lane.

“Thanks. I have it on” said Obi as they decelerated to 15 miles per hour, exactly as the sign instructed.

“Do you think all those stories of Unsome are true?”

“That they are sticklers for rules and will arrest anyone, including the King’s best friend, for minor offenses?”

“Yes. I heard that also. Do you think it’s true?”

“I doubt it. I’m sure the famous poem is only propaganda.”

“It’s a poem?”

“Yes, we learned it in social studies class. I’ll tell it to you.”

Obi recited the famous poem of Unsome as they pulled off the highway and road the exit into Unsome.

Unsome:

I was sitting in the mud,
Waiting for that moment to come,
When I could join my friends,
In the land of Unsome.

I was exiled many years ago,
And now the years drag by so slow.
I was caught and tried,
For by the rules, I did not abide.
Life, the sentence would stand,
Yes, I would be totally banned,
From the land of Unsome.

From official to official I begged,
Please make the punishment end,
The answer was “nay”, I would have to stay,
With no hope for me to return,
To the land of Unsome.

Money was given as a bribe,
To erase my terrible crime,
But to no avail, my home was my jail,
And no way for me to return,
To the land of Unsome.

One day my friend became King!
My heart began to sing.
Now I’d return, to the land that I yearn,
The land of Unsome.

My friend said, “Sorry, no dice.
I just cannot be nice.
Your crime is a shame,
but I just can’t take the blame,
If we start having JAYWALKERS
In the land of Unsome!”

“Amazing” said Flu.

And then they both fell silent when they saw there was a roadblock and a soldier was approaching their vehicle.

Part 5

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Sage advice from Tom Lehrer

March 16, 2011

Some sage advice from Tom Lehrer:

I know some people feel that marriage as an institution is dying out, but I disagree and the point was driven home to me rather forcefully not long ago by a letter I received which said: “Darling, I love you and I cannot live without you. Marry me, or I will kill myself.” Well, I was a little disturbed at that until I took another look at the envelope and saw that it was addressed to occupant. Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days in books,and plays,and movies on, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love. Husbands and wives who can’t communicate; children who can’t communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books, and plays, and so on, and in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can’t communicate. I feel that if a person can’t communicate the very least he can do is to shut up. – Tom Lehrer (That Was the Year That Was)

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Birthday Bash 2010

May 13, 2010

Brooklyn, NY – It was May 8, 2010. They gathered in a restaurant just a couple of hours after the piercing evening wind defeated the sunny Saturday afternoon. The crowd was overflowing and the cheers were thunderous. The coronation was eagerly anticipated. As the leader from Kings County approached the podium, a hush fell over the crowd and scores of cell phones and cameras were whipped out to record the historic event for perpetuity.
The humble leader removed his royal crown and sat upon the throne. Those assembled waited for the royal gesture, then took their seats as well. A beautiful waiter took the king’s order. She took careful note for the cook to prepare the king’s hamburger until it was well done. (Why eat something that is only poorly done?)
The mixed multitude placed their orders when they were asked. When the last demand was made, they sat back and conversed easily with one another. The atmosphere was so relaxed that they were able to speak as if he were just a friend.
Eventually the waiter returned. She was laden with delicacies from around the world. She presented the king’s burger, encased in lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, fried potatoes, and a soft bun. The crowd roared with delight as the king took his first bite and smiled his approval.
The rejoicing and celebration went deep into the night.
Until this very day, there are still some who speaking with hushed, reverential tones about the wonders and splendors of that night.

Thanks to all who came and helped make it a wonderful night!