Posts Tagged ‘rambling’

An ant story (from early 2002)

April 6, 2012

Here is a story I wrote one night when I was studying in Israel.
One night I couldn’t sleep, so I went from the dorm room to the courtyard. I found swarm of large ants carrying a gigantic Israeli roach to its final resting place. As I watched, this story ended up on my paper.

I copied it how it’s written (aside for some minor spelling corrections) even though some of the puns are cringe-worthy. I’m also maintaining the original paragraph structure.

There was an ant named Richard.
But his friends would call him Adam
Because he was lazy as man.
Every morning his parents would wake him up.
“But the sun isn’t even up”, he’d complain.
“By the time you finish breakfast it will be light out.
“Besides, the early bird gets the worm and the early ant gets the bird.”
The problem with ants is they don’t have seats.
From the time they awake till the time they go to sleep
They are forced to stand on all 6 of their feet.
Richard enjoyed sleep. Sleeping on his back, with his head on a soft pillow. He couldn’t want till evening, so he could eat a quick supper and go to sleep.
One day Adam was going collecting, he was trying to find food
When he came across a TV that a mouse had thrown out.
It had a remote control, so he could watch without getting up.
Thrown out with the set was a perfectly good bag of stale caramel popcorn, so Adam didn’t starve. On the contrary, he grew quite fat.
(The other problem with ants is when they get fat, they aren’t horizontally challenged, but vertically challenged; and that made it sound like Adam was short, which isn’t true.)
When he shoved off for his hole (shlepping his popcorn behind him), he discovered he was too girthy to fit down the ant hole.
“Help me! Make the hole bigger, please!” Adam requested.
“If you want something done, do it yourself”, said Smithers, the ant guard.
Instead, Adam dragged his bag of popcorn a few feet away and cried.
Suddenly, an anteater came along and ate the whole ant colony.
He couldn’t smell Richard, because he smelled like caramel popcorn.
Richard cried for a few minutes. (That’s another problem with ants. They don’t have tear ducts, so when they cry, all they do is blink a lot. Although most ants are too busy to realize they are sad, and by the time they go to sleep at night they have forgotten why they were sad (Ants don’t have the greatest memories, which explains why they keep trying to go on my picnic blanket even though I chased them off about 3,713 times.) which is why ants seldom cry.)
When he finished crying he dragged his bag back by the TV and began watching again.
Adam watched TV for 2 straight months! (When his popcorn was finished, he discovered an old hot dog nearby, so he was never want of food.)
One afternoon when he was asleep (during the afternoon news), a pesky rabbit jumped by, pulling the plug and bringing the TV down with a crash. Adam woke up with a start. Realizing his loss, he began to cry again. The rabbit said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see the plug. Maybe if you play with the chip it’ll work.”
“Are you crazy?” Adam lashed out “It’s broken. But chips, now that sounds good.”
Now the TV had broken and the pieces lay all over the floor. Adam sniffed around, found a chip, and ate it. “Eww. This is horrible. It tastes like a chip off an old block. Oh well, at least it’s worth two in the bush.”
Suddenly, Adam felt queasy, he felt statically, but then he was picking up the channels normally. And, whenever he couldn’t get a good reception, he’d just adjust his antenni until he got a clear picture.
He died 3 years later, when he refused to pay his electric bill and they cut off his service, leaving him a shell of his former self.

Creative Commons License This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Father’s Day vs. Mother’s Day

June 23, 2010

(For fun I’ve decided to include some audio from previous years.)

Yesterday was Father’s Day.
Here are some tweets I saw on the day:
“happy father’s day to all the real fathers out there.. not just paying child support but paying attention!”
“[censored] you, to all the deadbeat dads”

These tweets express the idea that Father’s Day is a day for fathers to commit themselves to being involved in the lives of their children.

However, Mother’s Day is never seen as a day for mothers to rededicate themselves to being better mothers. Mother’s Day is solely a day to honor mothers.
It doesn’t matter if the woman should not have had a child or if she is abusive.

I don’t like the idea of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. We should not encourage procreation. We should not honor a human who created another human more than we honor one who has not.

However, if we are going to honor those who breed, we should honor them evenly.

If we want to have a national criticize parents/parental awareness day, I am okay with that.

Bachelor 2010 Feb 22

February 23, 2010

Spoiler – Don’t read unless you’ve seen the Bachelor episode from Feb 22, 2010 or you don’t plan on seeing it.
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This week’s episode was titled “The Women Tell All”. The title was descriptive because the women did tell all. Sometimes, more than they had knowledge of.

To sum up the episode, here are the main points:

Michelle, was it dumb to tell Jake you were leaving with the expectation that he would beg you to stay; knowing there were other women who are happy to be with him? Answer: Yes!

Elizabeth, did you make a mistake by playing mind game with Jake? (By telling him, you cannot kiss me. I’m the best kisser and I know you want to kiss me.) Answer: Yes!

Ella, why do you think you were sent home?
Ella’s Answer: I don’t know, I opened up, but Jake didn’t
Jake’s Answer: There was something there, that I’ve seen in previous relationships, that I didn’t want to deal with again.
Real Answer: Because you have a kid! For all the talk about starting a family and settling down, all Jake wants in a fantasy girl living a fairy tale. (Vienna, anyone?)

Gia, did you make a mistake by not TELLING Jake that you were falling in love with him? Answer: Yes!

Ali, did you make a mistake by leaving the show for your job and rejecting Jake instead of staying? Answer: Yes!

Chris: Rozlyn, did you have an inappropriate relationship with a producer?
Rozlyn: No!
Chris: Are you sure?
Rozlyn: Yes
Chris: Ah, you said “yes”, na na na kish kish!
Rozlyn: Oh yeah, then why were you hitting my lover’s wife?
Audience: Ah, diss!

Jake, was it an “Incredible journey”? Answer: Yes. And since you asked me that, I feel a chemistry with you. I am definitely feeling a connection. I am falling for all Americans. Will you marry me if I ask? You will? Then go home, I don’t think we could work out!

Bachelor 2010 Feb 8

February 9, 2010

Spoiler – Don’t read unless you’ve seen the Bachelor episode from Feb 8, 2010 or you don’t plan on seeing it.

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Gia – showing Jake her world (NYC is a world, right?)

“take another one” – Jake, on taking another picture. Translation: “i want to kiss you again!”

Meeting Gia’s parents just ended and I am officially confused! I did not expect Jake to be talking about “loving” Gia.

Ali in Massachusetts.

Jake reminds me of George W Bush.

“unbelieveable” – Jake on his day with Ali – Unbelievable can be good or bad 😉

“I’ve been blow away” – Jake on Ali to Ali’s mom [TMI]

Tenley:

She’s relieved because Jake says he makes his own decisions and he wants to involve his wife in decisions?

Vienna:
Wearing 80s shirt

“I sure have. I sure have” – Jake on eating Gator tail

“The house’ll be clean” – Vienna’s dad, selling Vienna

I think he has to let Ali go. Even if it’s just a mind game , he prefers to distance himself from anyone who “rejects” him.

Anyone else suspect Jake would prefer a unemployed woman? barefoot and pregnant

Jake recovers quickly after “losing” Ali.

Best of Twitter:

@PatServo He IS a big baby! He finally admitted it! #bachelor

@tanyarenea What’s worse- getting threatened to have your legs broken or a date with the dead grandma? #bachelor

@Fashion4Lyfe doesn’t alli have a dead aunt for jake to meet? or a dead 4th cousin twice removed? #bachelor

@effedparkslope Did Alli run out of stuff 2 wear? These chicks start w/evening gowns at the amusement park, and now she’s down to nasty flannels #bachelor

@elenaleemc On the #bachelor the standard response to a girl pouring out her heart is silence, a smile and a kiss. Weak.

@fairlyoddmother Waitaminute. He JUST said he runs his decisions by his parents 1st. Isn’t that EXACTLY like her ex-husband? #delusional #bachelor

@slnabb “When I took Jake upstairs…” (Tenley’s dad talking) Whoa easy there Pop. We’ve just met. #Bachelor

@Whiskeypawz Urrrch! Did he just say this year? Tenleys divorce was just this year? No wonder she keeps talking about the ex! #bachelor

@DaleRadio: Vienna’s father will be played tonight by Eugene Levy!! #bachelor

@Hank_Thompson Tenley wants her marriage to be a “we.” I want mine to be an Xbox. #bachelor #thebachelor

@msn_lnotv Jake looks so sincere when he tells four different women and their families that he is honestly falling for them. #MSN_LNOTV #BACHELOR

@andreavaleriac “I have completely fallen for all 4 women” -Jake … #DieJake #bachelor

@heymissmegs I won’t lie, I have considered quitting a job for a guy. But he wasn’t dating three other women. #bachelor

Bachelor 2010 Feb 01

February 2, 2010

Spoiler – Don’t read unless you’ve seen the Bachelor episode from Feb 2, 2010 or you don’t plan on seeing it.
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Jake chose Tenley for the first one on one date.

It was a mean trick to play on Vienna.

“i don’t want one to feel more important than the other” – jake
We know he meant “less”, but a Freudian slip perhaps?

“you can eat my salmon” – gia
A double entendre?

jake appears to be lying to Gia when he says he’s into her. I think he’s sending her home. Even though he’s kissing her. [post script] I was clearly wrong about who is going home tonight. But I still feel like Gia is on the way out.

why is vienna searching for jake when he’s alone with gia?!?

6 year old kids every single day. vienna is living in a fantasy world

Jake – is open up code word for kissing?

“saving yourself for marriage?” – Jake incredulous at Corrie.

@EsteeBrooke who names their kid vienna or paris? why not totonto?

“i’m gonna let my heart go and see where it lands.” -Jake about Vienna

Vienna gets the last rose again! If i were her, I’d take it personally.

I think it was probably good for Corrie to be sent home. I don’t think Jake could really handle having a girl there that wouldn’t show up in his bedroom or at least kiss him. This might be bad to say, but Corrie might be “too good” for Jake.